Children and Pet Loss

By Diane Pomerance

Children and pets often forge a deep, powerful lifelong bond and share a very special and meaningful relationship. They are best friends as well as companions who spend quality time with each other playing, exercising, watching television and listening to the radio, interacting with friends and other family members, sleeping, spending holidays and even vacations together! It is increasingly common to regard and treat our pets as beloved "family members", and children are usually delighted to have this non-threatening, non-combative "sibling". Children seem to understand that their animal companions love them just as they are and that they don't need to pretend to be someone they are not, or to look or dress a certain way. Kids can just be themselves.

Children trust their animal companions and confide in them. They share their goals, dreams, secrets and confidences knowing that the pet will never betray - or judge - them. Children let down their guard and express their true feelings with a pet without fear of being dismissed, misunderstood, judged, blamed or criticized. They share a large portion of their lives, which they could not or would not share with other human beings.

The loss of a beloved animal companion is often the first significant loss a child experiences. Although the child may lose a relative - or friend - the impact of this kind of loss is not nearly as devastating as is the loss of one who is trustworthy, devoted and unconditionally loving and has always "been there" for him. Like adults, children grieve, and each child grieves differently and for a different period of time. Some children will withdraw or isolate and become quiet and pensive. Others may become angry and "act out". Others will not be able to focus or concentrate on homework and other tasks. Their grief depends on the depth and intensity of the relationship they had with the deceased pet. It may also depend on how many previous losses they have experienced. Like adults, children should be encouraged to understand - to identify- that they are grieving and to express their genuine feelings openly and honestly.

Adults should encourage children to discuss their feelings. Adults can offer sympathy, empathy and support, and can help children to understand that their feelings are normal - that it is natural and healthy to grieve losses of any kind. Holding a funeral or memorial service and eulogizing the pet with friends and family members are helpful. Whenever possible, it is advisable to be factual and concrete. Reading books together about pet loss is also beneficial. Encourage the child to express her feelings by writing or singing or drawing the pet or putting together a photo album. The loss of a loved animal companion affords parents a wonderful opportunity to introduce children to the concepts of birth and death and the circle and cycles of life. Children should be encouraged to mourn, honor, and celebrate their pet's life, and if, and when they are ready, to adopt another wonderful animal companion.

DIANE POMERANCE received her Ph.D. in Communications in 1979 from the University of Michigan, and has written the highly acclaimed children's nonfiction book on pet loss, "When Your Pet Dies" which teaches children how to cope with and recover from the loss of a beloved companion animal as well as those inevitable losses in life. She is also the author of "Animal Companions: Your Friends, Teachers & Guides", "Animal Companions: In Our Hearts, Our Lives & Our World.", Animal Elders: Caring About Our Aging Animal Companions", "Finding Peace After the Loss of a Loved Animal Companion", and her most recent book "Pet Parenthood: Adopting the Right Animal Companion for You." Dr. Pomerance counsels those mourning the loss of a beloved companion animal. As a writer, teacher, counselor and animal lover, she recognizes that the loss of a pet can be devastating to adults as well as children. For over 25 years, she has also worked in a wide variety of capacities in the entertainment industry both in New York and Los Angeles, including production work with such programs as NBC's Sports shows "NFL Live" and "Grandstand", PBS' "MacNeill/Lehrer Report", and "Bill Moyer's Journal."

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